It is difficult to convey the level and kind of both anxiety and depression that accompanies heart issues.
One of the more difficult aspects is the loss of a sense of future. Six months after the heart attack in 2005, I had driven to Home Depot to buy lumber for a new house project, and then just drove away since it all seemed so futile. Why build, with no future?
There ware actually warning signs of more heart problems at the beginning of last summer, when I had felt some difficulty breathing and chest constriction walking up hills. I had been through this movie before, did not want to believe it, and attributed the problems to just getting older.
And during the summer I also built some large and long raised garden beds, to plant enough potatoes and beets to make it through the Apocalypse, which I somehow felt was imminent and probable. My unconscious must have known at a deep level that something was apocalyptically wrong, at least at a personal level.
Still, there was solace in creating with stone.